I am the broken woman
She has loved too much, too hard, too fast
She has given ALL to the wrong ones
She exhausted her capacity to sustain his verbal blows
She could no longer fulfill the job of keeping his happiness
Destroyed by his neglect and disconnect
Created by his degrading and humiliation
Slowly she put her fists down, she gave up fighting for their vows
Her pain made all the next choices
The necrosis of her heart made her numb to the voice of God
She sought to numb more
She sought to feel less
It’s been years since.. and yet
I don’t know how to let go of all the pain he caused
All the holes he left in my soul
All the open wounds in my heart
I just want to let go and renew my mind….
I thought I forgave because I moved on
I thought I was okay because I am no longer angry
I want to forget but the residue reminds me
That I am paralyzed from the agony..
That I am crippled by the scar tissue
I am now damaged.. a broken woman
Broken because she ALWAYS loved the wrong ones
But .. all the while.. it was me that had it all wrong
Looking for a man to be my God
Instead of allowing God to be my man
Trying to fill the space in my heart with another human
Expecting that human to complete me, to fill my gaps
Who was I kidding.. What was I thinking..
Dear Lord replenish my capacity to love. You alone are my source. Show me how to let go of everything everything everything.. the emotional abuse, the pain, the abandonment, the insults, and the lies I believed for so long. Show me who I am Lord, show me who I am to YOU. Because if you say I am, then I am. THIS is what I desire to believe Lord, but my heart is so hurt it won’t follow my mind…renew my mind with your vision of me.
Close up my wounds, cleanse me, cleanse me, cleanse my soul, cleanse my heart, cleanse my infections, cleanse me. I release the pain of my rejection, the pain of the abuse of my marriage, the pain of abandonment, I no longer want this pain to affect my relationships or to be evident in my personality.
Help me to trust again, to love again, to forgive again, to laugh again, to embrace people again. Help me to be ME, the me you created to be.. to live in the fullness of you. HELP ME RELEASE MY PAIN.. HEAL ME, RESTORE ME, PUT ME BACK TOGETHER. I want to give it all to you, all the ugly, all of it.. my life belongs to you. In Jesus’ name . Amen.